Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Randomize