Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Randomize
