And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
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