..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
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