Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize