I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
