Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Your penis caused this!
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
