I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
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