her vagine was all disorganized.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize