I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
Randomize
