I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
so for future reference,at what point did you feel like a line had been crossed?
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
