I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Pregaming class all semester has made this final review session more like my introduction to the topic.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
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