I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
