I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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