i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
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