Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
