overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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