You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
