final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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