I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
