Cold hands, warm shart.
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Randomize
