i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
