shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
I definitely think you should enjoy one last spring break being a sorostitute before you get serious and settle down with price charming. I mean hes not going to be there any way. he can wait a week.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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