Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
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