i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
sex in a hospital.. check
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
