I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
