I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
