So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
