ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Randomize
