we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
