Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
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