dude i'm inner monologue high
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
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