Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
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