On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
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