plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
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