dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Randomize
