It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize