You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Randomize
