I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Randomize
