seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
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