Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
Randomize
