So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Randomize
