DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Randomize
