just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
Randomize
