meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
