please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
