We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
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