wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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