Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
I like to think it a success when the cops are called
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Randomize
