He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
