The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
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