One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Randomize
