you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
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