Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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