woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
