Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
