Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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