the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Omg I joined a choir last night...
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
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